Clairvision:ISIS 0028-details of civil war death

ISIS 101.14 4 April 2009

For the final ISIS of this week, Steven was my connector. He put his fingers just to the right of my sternum and I got into a little bit of a story about anger at my brother and then from my mom while in the womb, and then he was like, "spin back to before you came into your mother," and I found myself "wanting a challenge," of having anger built into my heart so I could burn through it with love, but it's been a pretty difficult challenge (like learning Japanese?) and I'm not sure the point now. He had me "spin back to the previous lifetime," in search of when this anger came in.

He said, "find the reason that you wanted a challenging lifetime" or something, and I flashed on my lifetime in the US during the US Civil War. This was a tragically sad death so I couldn't imagine how it could make me "want a challenge," but I went with it and got some interesting clarity on the death scene.

The first part was leaving my wife to go fight this "stupid war," just to make money for the family. So sad to leave my beautiful wife whom I loved so much, but I did it for the family.

In the war, I was in a battle and got shot in the left gut, perhaps where my birthmark is now. Not a mortal wound by any stretch, but enough to get out of the war and get my pension and be done with it. I went to sleep on the battle field with the intention of waking up after the battle, making my way back to camp, and getting out and done.

Lo, I wake up with a bayonette through my heart, in shock surprise and rage at the "stupid fuck" who killed me for no reason. Can't he see this is a stupid war? Can't he see I was peacefully sleeping? Is he a fuckin' idio...

And I died with that raging anger at him and sadness for my family, and this anger is still chillin' in my heart, and possibly hard to express partially due to being under threat of death for expressing any fear or anger in a previous lifetime.

Got out more anger, ripping the blanket a bit more (Jax says she coulda gotten me way more into my anger) and then floated around in space looking at the stark difference between the anger and love in my heart. Black cold coals versus brilliant sunny love.

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Later, Jax was all, I wanted to be there for your process.