Clairvision:ISIS 0010 - want permission to just play

9am Saturday 13 September 2008

I ate 6 (six) ice cream cones yesterday. Only six because that's how many the Glico guy gave us, expecting them to last the whole week A *week*!!!

So Helma focused on my guts during the ISIS. I was like, "that's right on my ice cream."

She goes, yep. Just feel that ice cream in there.

"That's my secret. Ice cream bingeing." Then I got more into the space. I was like, "I don't want to get fat. But I like ice cream."

Why don't you want to get fat?

"It means I have no self control. I don't like fat people because they have no self control. I don't want to lose control. That's one reason I've never been drunk; I don't want to lose control."

Just feel that space.

"I feel ashamed about eating so much ice cream. I couldn't control myself."

When was the first time you felt that?

"When I was about 3, I would pull up the yarn from the carpet; it would unravel in long bouncy strings, and I would wear them as hair. I wanted to be a girl."

Yeah.

"And my parents told me not to do that. No, they asked me why I wanted to be a girl. I don't know. I'm three years old. Maybe I was older, but I was less than five."

Just feel that space.

"When I was about five years old I missed my ride to school so I went to the creek to play in the rain and I got in trouble." Bam there it hit. I fell into grief and sadness. "I just wanted to play, but they got mad at me." Crying crying crying (repeat). "I wasn't ready for school I was in my underwear so I couldn't open the door to tell them to wait.

"'well you should have ____...'

"Fuck that I'm only five years old and I shouldn't be left alone to get ready for school!"

Crying crying crying.

Then, as seems to be the pattern, the crying quickly dried up and I felt lovely tingly tingly waves of energy washing over my body. Chilled there for a bit.

After a while, Helma goes, what are you feeling?

"ま、shit happens; they did their best; just relax."

Relaxed until the end of the ISIS session.

I believe I was five years old and school had just started for the year. Helma checked my astrological chart at the time and noted that in Septemer 1975, Neptune just crossed from/to my 1st house from my 12th (or vice versa (or something)). Neptune = water: duly noted.

Hmmm.

11:40am JST

Oh wait, there was more. I basically was like, "I just want to play," and "there's a lot I want to do."

Like what?

"Write a book, write another book, write a movie, write in my journal, create art... and maybe other things" maybe a million other things, but those are basics.

And so my homework is to work on the overview plot for my Castle of Dreams story. I also want to get Nim and Deek's blessing; I've tried to reach them; I'll try again.