Journal:2008october23 email to Kumi
HI Kumi
There's an add-on for Gmail that's designed to keep people from sending inappropriate emails when they are drunk.
I'm not drunk, but I am tired, and this email might be inappropriate, but here it is anyway: ;-)
I love you. I like you. I'm in love with you. I can't sleep after our conversation tonight. In our conversation, wanted to say I love you, but I know I'm tired, so I toned it down to "I like you," because I know I'm tired and didn't want to say something inappropriate.
After we hung up, I realized this was an important realization, so I thought about writing a journal entry to capture the moment, but I know Ami wouldn't be happy to read this (I love Kumi). I don't know if you'll be happy to read this, but, I hope yes.
A few days ago, at the end of my reiki 3 session with Mia, she and I talked about the upcoming ATE, and the possibility of me helping during the weekend, and the possibility of you being the pillar during the weekend, and during the conversation, at the moment I said, "I would rather pay than to lose my friendship with Kumi," I almost cried. I almost cried at the thought of losing my friendship with you.
Now, at that time, I knew I was not going to lose my friendship with you over the ATE course and who gets to be pillar or helper or whatever, but I realized that in a part of me, the fear was there, and the thought of losing my connection with you choked me up.
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I really really would rather have this conversation with you face to face.
I have a different outlook on love than I think most people do. In English, the word "love" is mis-used about a million more times often than it is used correctly. When some people say "I love you" they might also say, "I can't live without you" or something like that.
I usually use "I love you" to mean "I actively support your life-process and your spiritual growth," (this definition of love I got from _The Road Less Traveled_ by some guy I can't remember now (and I'm not going to look it up for fear I might get distracted online))
In your case, I mean I love you in that way (I support your growth), AND I mean I think you're awesome, and I really respect the work you're doing, and I love that you know emacs, and you do ISIS, and you share honestly with me, and you use the mayan calendar, don't watch TV, don't drink, don't smoke, you stay away from red meat, you do the impossible because it's impossible, you're 30 days older than me, you meditate every day, you do neti every day, you inspire/challenge me to do the same, you live an examined life (you're not a sleeper). ... awesome!!!
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I am in a relationship with Ami. I love Ami. I support her growth; I want her to attend ATE, ISIS, stop watching TV, stop drinking, start living an examined life, change change change.
Several times in my life I have jumped from one relationship to another, and it usually gets me into trouble in the long run.
I don't want to inappropriately break up with Ami so that I can date you. I don't want to have any secrets from Ami (or anyone!). I won't cheat on her. I aspire to live an examined life. I'm really lawfully thinking this situation over in my mind; I want to make the right decision.
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There's a part of me that thinks my sending this to you, it will cause some negative consequences.
But, I think The Truth is more important. If we all told the truth, the world would be a better place, I think.
The truth is I want to surround myself with people who are doing their work. people who are seeking truth over fantasy, and seeking to be the best selves they can be. You inspire me. I have meditated every morning, and netied every morning recently. Ever since The Pink Cow vegan night and I was like, "well, I haven't quite been meditating every day," and you were like, "wha??" and now I'm inspired by my belief that you, too, are meditating every day.. thank you for helping me be a better me.
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I look forward to seeing you on Friday. I want to talk about this crazy email; I hope "I love you" doesn't shock your mind, but I see you as quite resilient and can hendle my truth, even when I'm tired. I'm not asking anything of you except that you continue to follow your truth; I'll do the same.
Love and Light - Rob
-- Freestyle art and healing
